Flash Backs

As I type this I have tears in my eyes. Tears of joy and of sadness. Last summer, Jon-Collin had a terrible illness that almost cost him his life. But God was completely and totally in control and my son recovered pretty quickly. The after math of the illness we still deal with today, but it is very minor in comparison of what it could be. He goes to counseling for PTSS, and he goes to Speech Pathology 2 times a week. So, three out of the 5 days he is in some sort of therapy. To speak and inter react with Jon-Collin you would never know anything is wrong. God is good.

Last night I noticed, actually for a couple of weeks now, he isn't wanting to go to bed. Last night was the first time he told me he was having what he called "flash backs". He doesn't remember a lot of what happened to him, which is a blessing in disguise really... but it seems like small pieces of memory are starting to come back to him and they are starting to scare him.

While he was in the hospital they inserted a PICC line for easier access to give medications, and due the fact the medication they had him on was "blowing out" his veins and every couple of days they were having to reinsert a new iv line. They sent us home with him still having the PICC line and I was trained to give him an IV every 6 hours. After 21 days of home treatment the PICC line was removed and he was allowed to keep it. We bagged it up in several zip lock bags - gallon size - and stored it in his closet for safe keeping.

For some reason, last night he got this bag down from his closet and was looking at it. He then brought it to me and told me I needed to put it up somewhere safer. I didn't think anything of it until later I heard him crying in his room. I went in and asked him why he was crying and he told me because he was scared he would get sick again. I told him that God is watching out for him and that he would keep him safe, and with that, I said, now it is time for some sleep. Tucked him in and turned off the lights.

I stayed up a hour later, and went to bed. I wasn't in bed 20 mins when he was screaming for me. I went into his room and he was crying once more. It was then he told me he was having "flash backs" of the night he got sick. He then proceeded to tell me how he could hear everyone talking but he couldn't talk back and how it scared him. I just laid down in bed with him and cuddled him until he fell asleep. It was then I could tell that my tough almost teenager boy who tells me how unfair I am- still needs his mommy. I too had flash backs. At that moment I remembered when he was a toddler and I would try and lay him down for a nap, and how I would have to lay down with him and cuddle him until he was a sleep. I would try and sneak out of the bed without waking him up because I had a ton of housework to do... only to wake him. He would raise his little head and say, mommy where you going? So, I would just lay down again and nap with my toddler - because nothing was more important at that time than cuddling with my baby.

After about an hour, Jon-Collin finally fell asleep, and his twin bed just isn't as big as it used to be. So, I slowly got out of his bed trying not to wake him.. but as I was leaving his room he raised his head and said, "Thanks mom, I love you." And that, is worth all the stomping and huffing and eye rolling in the world. I love you too son.